healthyrelationkit

Stepparenting is Tough!

YOu can just imagine this stepmother explaining her situation. She likely feels confused about her role, displaced from her husband when her stepson is around, and helpless to change the situation. Despite all this, my experience tells me that she is also feeling guilty, because she knows that God is expecting her to love this boy. It's a tough situation to be in. Finding an effective stepparent role is indeed a challenge. Yet, with healthy expectations and a specific strategy to build relationship, a satisfying bond can be nurtured.

Realistic Expectations

Stepparents and biological parents alike frequently expect too much from the stepparent, especially early in the stepfamily's development. Research confirms, for example, that stepparents and biological parents generally assume that the stepparent should be affectionate with stepchildren and attempting to assert authority (to establish their position as "parent"). However, stepchildren report-even five years after the wedding-that they wish the stepparent would seek less physical affection and back away from asserting punishment. The challenge, then, for biological and stepparents alike is to lower their expectations and negotiate a relationship that is "mutually suitable" to both stepchild and stepparent. Let's examine some key principles that may help.

1. Give yourself time to develop a workable relationship. Realize that love and caring takes time to develop, especially with pre-adolescent and adolescent children. Some research suggests that children under the age of five will bond with a stepparent within one to two years. However, older children-teenagers in particular-may take as many years as they are old when the remarriage takes place. In other words, a ten-year-old may need ten years before they feel truly connected with you. Try to imagine your stepfamily in a crock-pot; it's slow cooking, so don't rush it. Besides, crock-pots do gradually bring all the ingredients together so trust that the low heat will eventually do its work. Here are some "low-heat" crock-pot cooking recommendations:

2. Children's loyalty to their biological parents may interfere with their acceptance of you. Children are often emotionally torn when they enjoy a stepparent. The fear that liking you somehow hurts their non-custodial, biological, parent is common. The ensuing guilt they experience may lead to disobedient behavior and a closed heart. In order to help stepchildren deal with this struggle:

Allow children to keep their loyalties and encourage contact with biological parents.
Never criticize their biological parent, as it will sabotage the children's opinion of you.
Don't try to replace an uninvolved or deceased biological parent. Consider yourself an added parent figure in the child's life-be yourself.

3. The cardinal rule for stepparent-stepchild relationships is this: Let the children set their pace for their relationship with you. If your stepchildren are open to you and seem to want physical affection from you, don't leave them disappointed. If, however, they remain aloof and cautious, don't force yourself on them. Respect their boundaries, for it often represents their confusion over the new relationship and their loss from the past. As time in the stepfamily crock-pot brings you together, slowly increase your personal involvement and affections. Together you can forge a workable relationship that grows over time.

Recently a gentleman told me that it took 30 years before he could tell his stepfather he loved him. Undoubtedly, his stepfather struggled through those years for his stepson's acceptance. But despite his godly attitude and leadership, his stepson simply couldn't allow himself to return that love. Eventually, however, love won out and was able to express appreciation to his stepfather for being involved in his life. Trust that doing the right things in the name of Christ will eventually bring you and your stepchildren together. In the meantime, set realistic expectations that don't leave you feeling like a failure (until that day arrives).

Relax and Build Relationship

Relax. It's an interesting word to hear when you feel like you're not making any progress as a stepparent, yet that's exactly the word I continue to use in therapy with stepfamilies. The crock-pot will eventually bring you closer together with your stepchildren, but you can't force their affections. So relax, accept the current level of relationship, and trust the crock-pot to increase your connection over time. In the mean time, use the following suggestions to help you to be intentional about slowly building your relationship.

Early on, monitor(1) your stepchildren's activities. Know what they are doing at school, church, and in extracurricular activities, and make it your aim to be a part. Take them to soccer practice, ask about the math test they studied for, and help them to learn their lines in the school play. Monitoring seeks to balance interest in the child without coming on too strong.

Find Your Role with Discipline

Perhaps the most confusing role for a stepparent is how to set limits, teach values, and enforce consequences. Indeed, the most common pitfall for stepfamilies is when the biological parent hands off too much responsibility for child rearing, and the stepparent begins to punish the child for misbehavior too quickly. Rather, a unified team approach that involves both biological and stepparent is best.

Early on, teamwork for the biological and stepparent begins with the acknowledgment of the stepparent's lack of authority due to a weak-although growing-relationship with the children. Until parental status(2) is attained (and that can take 18 months to many years) the stepparent should focus on building relationship (see section above) and being an extension of the biological parent's authority. Initially, this is done by through two tasks: 1) negotiating a set of household rules and a standard of conduct for all the children (whether biological or step) and 2) putting the stepparent in the role of "baby-sitter."

Negotiating a household set of rules and conduct involves both adults, but takes place (initially) outside of earshot of the children. As all effective parents, the couple must discuss rules, standards, consequences, and a system of discipline for the children. Then the biological parent can communicate this to the children. When either adult acts outside these negotiated rules (or fails to uphold them), children can divide and conquer the couple. Conflict and resentment are sure to result.

The Value of Stepparents

Did you ever stop to notice that the God of the universe entrusted His son to be raised by his stepfather, Joseph? Yes, in that sense, Jesus was a stepchild. Despite little scripture about Joseph's character, we can rest assured that God picked him for a reason. He must have had a tremendous influence on Jesus during his early years. I suppose we could say that Joseph's impact on Jesus' growth in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man (Luke 2:40, 52) is immeasurable.

The challenges of stepparenting are very real. The importance of your role in the life of your stepchild is invaluable. Commit yourself to the Lord, as did Joseph, and offer His love to your stepchildren (to whatever degree possible). You may never realize how important you are.